Not Private Eye

[Norris]

Starting tomorrow - all new Not Private Eye!

Yes, folks! In the wake of problems owing to a lack of news to spoof (and the fact that the news available is too sensitive for parody), Not Private Eye will be undergoing it's first serious makeover! ;D

Out go the bland jokes everyone's heard thousands of times before, and in comes new material to make up for all the crap from the last few posts! Including:

• Og the Clever - the stone-age whiz-kid with all the tidbits you never even wanted!
  
• Nicky Punter - follow the adventures of the troublesome schoolboy Nick "Nicky Punter" Clegg as he tries desperately to get some attention
  
• Duke Marlborough's Nearly Famous Americans - Our American correspondent Duke Marlborough looks into some of the nearly-famous faces of American history just to keep himself on the payroll
  

So don't miss tomorrow's Not Private Eye!

Well...you can miss it if you want, but it'll still be here...waiting to be read...unless you've got something better to do.

[Norris]

And now for the all-new Not Private Eye!

Really Boring News

An assassination attempt has recently been made on former South African leader P.W. Botha. The person responsible was heard to say to reporters:

"You can't put a better bit of Botha on your knife!"

Tidbit of the Day by Og the Clever

Did ugh know that um pterosaur is named after Greek for winged lizard?

Nicky Punter and the Silly Prank

Nick "Nicky Punter" Clegg was one of the most obnoxious boys at Westminster School. As much as he tried to make himself known, Nicky always remained an insignificant little twerp. The rival Congress School on the other side of the lake refused to recognise him, he was always left out of dormitory parties, and the teachers always picked on him.

So, one day, Nicky had an idea. He would start saying things about the most popular kid in school - David "Tory Boy" Cameron, in the hope of making himself look good, which wasn't easy for a spotty beanpole like Nicky.

When all the children were out on the playground, he went up to Gordon "Bully Boy" Brown, the school bully, and whispered in his ear:

"Do you know that Tory Boy is ahead in the polls? He says he's going to beat you up!"

Now, Bully Boy didn't like this at all, and he grapped Nicky by the throat, holding him up in the air.

"Stop telling me what I already know, you slimy little creep!" Bully Boy thundered. "Why else do you think I'm delaying the election?!"

So Nicky spent the rest of the day with his head wedged down a toilet!

Duke Marlborough's Nearly Famous Americans

Howdy, y'all! This is Duke Marlborough here givin' y'all mah first ever Nearly-Famous American! So, here we go!

William Henry Harrison (1773 - 1841). History ain't been kind to the 9th President of the United States, especially as he'd only been in officer fer 30 days before droppin' down dead of the common cold.

Harrison was a Virginian by birth, an' was born a British subject prior to the Declaration of Independance. After serving in the Northwest Indian War, Harrison went on to serve in Congress for the Northwest Territory, and began to claim lands from the Native American tribes, but in the process sowed resentment among the tribes that thus made them side with the British in the War of 1812.

For most of his life, Harrison fought against the Native Americans, mostly to prevent them joining with the British army units during the War of 1812. He only ever fought against the British once, when he defeated them at the Battle of the Thames.

After that, ol' Harrison went out of the spotlight until 1836, when he tried for the presidency. When that failed, he tried again in 1840 and succeeded, before droppin' down dead after 30 days of takin' office, thus endin' the saga of a man history has so conveniently forgotten.

See y'all later!

Look out for more from Not Private Eye, incorporating Custard Tin Weekly

[Norris]

AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Due to understaffing, excessive workloads and not enough money in the coffee machine to pay for a pencil sharpener, we must regrettably announce that Not Private Eye will no longer appear, thus making yesterday's instalment the very last instalment.

As a farewell message to all of those readers to whom we are eternally thankful for, we leave this final clip:



THE END

[wildgoose]

LOLNESS!!!