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Post by Norris on Aug 22, 2009 12:58:11 GMT -5
This is a satirical news blog in the style of Private Eye magazine. On it, I'll be bringing you my view of the world today, whether you like it or not. I'll be adding updates as soon as possible, so stick around. ;DPoliticsIn the wake of the release of the Lockerbie bomber, North Korean president Kim Jong-Il launched a surprise condemnation of the hero's welcome given to the Libyan criminal. In an official statement from Pyongyang, an official said: "Our Dear Leader has expressed deep concern over the release of the Lockerbie bomber, as he is worried at the prospects of another terrorist getting more attention than him."Science and TechnologyAmerican space agency NASA has announced new plans to acclimatise its trainee astronauts to a place with no atmosphere by sending them to Zac Efron's one-man show. FinancesThe stock market remains quiet as a result of so many people affected by the recession who have jumped out of the top-floor windows, in a dramatic echo of the 1987 Market Crash, which was recorded by The City programme on ITV: TravelTravellers in England are still affected by the temporary closure of the M6 motorway due to a demarcation dispute between the National Union of Miners and the Motorways Board. The NUM, who attempted to block traffic in protest of the closure of an unnamed mine in Yorkshire, have upset the Motorways Board who claim that it is their responsibility to bring traffic to a standstill, and not the responsibility of the NUM. CelebritiesThe newest video for the Madonna single I Am has been released on YouTube, featuring animation work provided by the world-famous Pixar studio. The video can be seen here: Keep watching for more from Not Private Eye, the blog that makes no sense.
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Post by wildgoose on Aug 22, 2009 20:28:04 GMT -5
lol i liked the zac efron one, why do people like him?
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Post by Norris on Aug 22, 2009 23:25:22 GMT -5
lol i liked the zac efron one, why do people like him? No idea, but I couldn't think of anyone else better known both in the US and the UK who'd fit in the joke.
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Post by Norris on Aug 22, 2009 23:39:50 GMT -5
And now for more bits of nonsense to turn your brains into strawberry milkshake...
Politics
Fears have arisen in Washington that the stress of office may be taking its toll on President Obama, after he was seen yesterday running around naked on the White House lawn, waving his arms around and screaming "I am mad! I am mad! Put me away!"
However, the stunt failed to attract any attention, as nobody noticed and difference in the president's behaviour.
Health
The World Health Organisation has raised concern over the content of chocolate, after several distributors admitted to adding unhealthy substances to the finished product. The following is a reconstruction of one such interview arranged especially for this report:
Celebrities
In a last ditch attempt to remain in the spotlight, director Steven Spielberg has begun a new career as a ceiling painter in Pasadena. In an interview, however, the director made it clear that he would not be painting floors, as they were beneath him.
Entertainment
Following complaints about violence in recent films such as Rambo and Doomsday, film critics from the United States have also raised concerns over violence in family films.
The move came after critics were shown a sneak preview of the upcoming film Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel, which is due out this Christmas. The sneak preview can be seen here:
Keep watching for more from Not Private Eye, the blog that makes no sense.
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Post by Norris on Aug 24, 2009 0:21:48 GMT -5
And now for a few more eccentric ramblings from my tiny little brain. PoliticsMusician and satirist Weird Al Yankovic has announced his intention to go into politics. The man responsible for such hits as White & Nerdy has announced that he will be standing for the Guns and Dope Party at the next election, and has released his own campaign video, in which he pledges to help America's ailing ice-cream industry: SportOne of the yachts in the Cambridge Boat Race unexpectedly sank 100 yards from the finishing line. The Taliban have claimed responsibility. CelebritiesArtist Barry Manilow stunned hotel staff after demanding a double-bed during a stay in Paris. When asked why, the artist told the staff: "Look, I need a double-bed! Otherwise, my nose hangs over the side when I sleep!"EntertainmentThe world of media is in turmoil after recent videotapes have shown Laurel and Hardy were still alive long after they had been announced dead in the 1960's. The videotapes show the comedy duo performing for the original, unreleased music video for I Love to Boogie by T-Rex, suggesting that the comedians may have lived well into the 1980's. Keep watching for more from Not Private Eye, the blog that makes no sense.
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Post by Norris on Aug 24, 2009 23:52:56 GMT -5
And now for something nobody ever bothers to read...
AN ANNOUNCEMENT
Following complaints that the British media is biased against the Labour government, we here at Not Private Eye, in the interest of political balance, would like to make it clear that we hate the bastards too. Thank you.
Politics
With Scotland's world popularity at an all time low following the release of the Lockerbie bomber, the Scottish Parliament has recruited comedian Billy Connolly to perform a one-man show advertising to good points of Scotland. The show, entitled Jobbies in Kilts, premiers in London next month.
More Bloody Politics
In an effort to increase his standing with the public, Gordon Brown has allowed ITV to produce a fly-on-the-wall documentary in Downing Street, entitled: Fun and Frivolity with Gordon Brown. A condensed version of the first episode can be viewed here:
Entertainment
Veteran film star Harrison Ford has agreed to appear in a fifth Indiana Jones film, entitled Indiana Jones and the Geriatric Malfunction, which will feature Indiana Jones battling an awkward prostate and a rusty zimmer frame.
Sport
With the Ashes finally over, British sport is once again dominated by football / soccer, and despite fears of football hooliganism by the media, Doncaster Rovers performed well against Queens Park Rangers yesterday when they hit six, strangled four and poked five.
Meanwhile, in their match against Everton, Bolton Wanderers finally ended their lean spell by killing the referee, and went on to further glory when a Bolton supporter threw a beer bottle at the Everton captain and sliced his ear off.
A more detailed and gory sports report will follow as soon as our sports correspondent has finished vomiting into the dustbin from reading so many sports bulletins.
Keep watching for more from Not Private Eye, the only blog to change its catchphrase in a feeble attempt to get more readers in.
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Post by Norris on Aug 25, 2009 11:08:08 GMT -5
NOT PRIVATE EYE EXCLUSIVE!The staff of Not Private Eye (i.e. me) has just received word from Washington DC that President Barack Obama has compiled a detailed and precise list of all things Scottish that will be banned from the United States in retaliation for the release of the Lockerbie bomber. The full list has been passed to me by a figment of my imagination, and now, exclusively to Not Private Eye (because nobody else wanted it), here is the full and precise list for all to read: - St. Andrew
- Atlas from It Ain't Half Hot Mum
- Bagpipes
- Big Country
- Gordon Brown (good idea, there!)
- Robert Burns
- Campeltown cheese
- Sean Connery
- Billy Connolly
- Alistair Darling (nice one, Barack!)
- Deadeye Duck
- Edinburgh Castle
- The Forth Bridge
- Frazer from Dad's Army
- Golf
- Greyfriar's Bobby
- Groundskeeper Willie
- Haggis
- Half of the characters played by Mike Myers
- The Highlander movies
- The internal combustion engine
- John O'Groats
- Kilts
- The Kyle Boat Song
- Loch Lomond
- The Loch Ness Monster
- Lulu
- Macbeth
- Scrooge McDuck
- William McGonagall
- Neopaganism
- Not Private Eye (yes, my ancestors were Scottish)
- Nuclear waste from the '80s
- Penicillin
- The Proclaimers
- The Scottish National Party
- Scottish people (duh)
- Scotty from Star Trek
- Shortbread
- Skara Brae
- Snotty from Spaceballs
- Television
- Tyres
- The United States Navy
- William Wallace
- Whisky
- The Wicker Man
- Edward Woodward
- Lena Zavaroni
Look out for more from Not Private Eye - [INSERT WITTY CATCHPHRASE HERE]
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Post by wildgoose on Aug 25, 2009 13:52:48 GMT -5
lol funny stuff, you gonna do one of these every day?
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Post by Norris on Aug 25, 2009 23:47:23 GMT -5
lol funny stuff, you gonna do one of these every day? If I can find enough material to go on and if there are enough people reading this page, then sure.
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Post by Norris on Aug 26, 2009 0:10:28 GMT -5
And now from the blog that makes even less sense than a painting by Salvador Dali...
Politics
Germany has claimed yet more fame today by releasing videotapes that prove that Barbie Girl was actually an invention of the Third Reich prior to World War Two, and not an invention of a Swedish pop band:
Entertainment
Following revelations in Not Private Eye that Weird Al Yankovic intends to join the Guns and Dope Party, other singers around the world have gotten in on the act of joining joke parties to stay in the limelight.
Our latest reports state that Ringo Starr intends to join the Official Monster Raving Loony Party in the UK, Lee Aaron hopes to join the Party Party in Canada, and that Kylie Minogue is pending membership for the Bill and Ben Party in New Zealand.
The only musician not joining a frivolous party is Mick Jagger, who is mad anyway.
ADVERTISEMENT BREAK
Sorry, folks, but it's either an advert in each new blog or my debtors cut my gonads off. Sorry!
The Lockerbie Bomber (again)
Prime Minister Gordon Brown has finally broken his silence regarding the release of the Lockerbie Bomber. At a press conference in Downing Street yesterday, he told reporters:
"Oh, bugger off and leave me alone, you parasitic morons!"
Science and Technology
Scientists in Britain, France and America are all puzzled over a baffling question for which all three nations are attempting to find a solution. The question is simply this:
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what the heck are snare drums made out of?
The most popular answer is, of course, snares, but scientists are now struggling to find out what in turn snares are made out of.
Look out for more from Not Private Eye, the blog that is to the 21st Century what custard is to chargrilled steak - a horrid taste in the mouth.
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Post by Norris on Aug 27, 2009 0:01:27 GMT -5
And now a word from our premier...
Hello! This is Comrade General Secretary James Gordonovich Brownov here bringing you most special message here in Nyet Private Eye.
Many bourgeois people are saying that I am stalinist tendencies having, and that I and my fellow comrades in the Labour Party are Britain into a communist state turning. Don't be so ridiculous being! True, David Miliband is a devout Marxist, and Peter Mandelson is wishing to be sending the country up the toilet, but let me be assuring both British and Americans, that we are in no way attempting to destroy this most glorious People's Republic of Britain doing!
And now, please to be sitting back for more from Nyet Private Eye!
Agriculture
Hard worker John Smith was working on his collective farm in Shropshire yesterday and claimed that his Russian-made tractor had broken down. Silly Smith! Tractors provided by the Board of Agriculture never break down, as he found out for himself after three long weeks at the rehabilitation centre in Londongrad. How he laughed as he tilled the soil with his bare hands!
Education
Professor Tom Brown, Head of History at Oxford University, was yesterday confronted by his twelve-year-old son, who told him:
"I believe you are a revisionist intent on undermining the glorious Labour government, and I have alerted the appropriate authorities."
How the professor laughed as he was taken away to be shot!
ADVERTISEMENT BREAK
Internal Affairs
Premier Brownov has declared yet again that gypsies are an ethnic majority and must be treated as such by the government and the public, whether they like it or not.
The 100% of the British public interviewed said that they considered gypsies to be ingrateful for their priveliges and were being given priority over the British taxpayer, and so Premier Brownov has had them all shot.
War
Premier Brownov has just announced that a World War One has taken place. There was one casualty, and no non-Soviets were involved.
Look out for more from Nyet Private Eye, incorporating Pravda UK
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Post by wildgoose on Aug 27, 2009 8:29:22 GMT -5
communisam is funny lol, wish my computer was working properly cus i cant watch the videos at the moment wich sucks...
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Post by Norris on Aug 27, 2009 9:58:15 GMT -5
communisam is funny lol, wish my computer was working properly cus i cant watch the videos at the moment wich sucks... Darn, that's a bummer. Still, glad you liked it, dude.
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Post by Norris on Aug 28, 2009 0:02:07 GMT -5
And now for the next instalment, when Jenny has another row with Sid, and angrily stamps her foot before angrily posting it! EducationThere have been record results for the GCSE's (General Certificate of Secondary Education, for those who don't know) released yesterday in Britain. According to the results, 95% of students taking their GCSE's cannot spell. ReligionFollowing the recent announcement that a baby boom has raised the British population to 61 million, the Church of England has made a surprise attack against the Catholic church. A statement made by church leaders early this morning said: "If the bloody pope hadn't banned us all from using condoms, we wouldn't be in this flaming mess! Stupid b*****ds!"ADVERTISEMENT BREAKPoliticsFears for the sanity of President Obama increased yesterday after he was seen speaking at a protest rally in Washington DC, calling for his own resignation. Here is a photograph of the incident courtesy of our American correspondent, Duke Marlborough: EntertainmentWe here at Not Private Eye have just heard that the popular gameshow Gladiators, which spawned an American counterpart in the 1990s, has just been axed, and that an online petition has been set up by fans to bring the show back on air. We implore all readers who enjoy seeing musclebound Americans pretending to be ancient Romans pitted against CGI animals to sign this petition, and bring back the most violent game on the planet since tiddlywinks. A link to the petition can be found here: www.gladiatorszone.co.uk/fightforgladiators/Keep watching for more from Not Private Eye, the blog that makes no sense.
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Post by Norris on Aug 29, 2009 0:02:55 GMT -5
AN ANNOUNCEMENTWe regret to announce that today's edition of Not Private Eye will not be broadcast, as there is absolutely bugger-all in the news to take the p*** out of besides a cat playing a piano, and a sheep being sold for a high amount of money.
In truth, you might as well be reading Private Eye, seeing as they've got more people to write the jokes.
Yours sincerely,
C.D. Newspapers - Editor, Not Private Eye
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